Excerpts from Dad's prayer journal July 2011

In July 2011 dad went to Nebraska for a 30 day Ignatian retreat. After his death in 2018 I came across his journal from that time. While not pertaining to his earlier life, some students might be interested in reading this. I have edited it, removing some personal details. Contact me if you would like more details.

Excerpts from Don Briel handwritten prayer journal during Ignatian retreat. July 2011. Nebraska

First Page

The grace I’m seeking.

I love you the way you love dogs.

Friday July 2

Let me find rest in thee-seeking to be freed from acxiety, division, fear

Weary, suffering, looking downward, the occasional glance of compassion but no direct gaze at me.

The face of Rouault [I think here that he is referring to Rouault’s self portrait : Qui ne se grime pas? (who does not wear a mask?). Dad had a copy of this on his wall], the serene child of Fra Angelico, traces of El Greco

And then a prayer to Mary to disclose him to me and the feeling of an arm reaching down, and then pulling her mantle around me.

A feeling of great peace

More faces of Christ- an occasionally but fleeting face- not comforting directly. It was the look of knowledge and clarity but not this time of compassion.

And then again looking down in great but seemingly spent suffering. It was the look of him not suffering but emptied in suffering.

Saturday July 3

Exile. The long experience of living on the margins of an authentic life, of being cut off from its fullness

The task of happiness

Oh, God, open me to this life

The image of the child- not innocence but dependence and ______

I realize that although I have always lived with God in mind, I can’t say that I have lived for God.

I have inhabited instead the familiar terrain of my anxieties and fears, my frustrations and phobias. Those wounds, which I could fairly easily identify as wounds nonetheless remained my fixed point of reference. Always self-conscience, always claustrophobically self-aware as Newman would say.

And those anxieties then produced strange demands for escape, in one distraction or another.

Of course I knew that this was pride, this ___ self-consciousness even when I knew equally the reality of God’s constant presence in my life.

Unworthiness? Not it altogether but surely a lack of trust-a lack of receptivity, a failure to open myself to God.

Ryan Stacks-the simplicity of his prayer, spontaneous, affectionate, holy. A prayer of which I am incapable.

The need not to recover from these wounds but to give them to Jesus.

Great peace and tranquility- ____an almost palpable stillness.

Suddenly a bright light yellow at the sides a white disk with a dove in the middle bathed me in light-me-the rays clearly identified and focusing on me.

Suddenly tears of joy running down my face. Intense joy and gratitude, a feeling unlike anyting I have ever known.

Trust, hope opened.

Shortly afterward Christ’s face appeared gazing directly at me- a great source of comfort almost as if held by him but I could not see his arms only his face

A spirit almost of ecstasy-almost sensual in its delight

And then more tears of joy

And a need to praise and glorify the Lord

I will ____ this day all the days of my life

The palms of my hands.

Could this revelation also have been given to overcome my own.

I will never be the same.

Sunday July 4

Light again intense with images of the dove descending, 2 times with red rays coming to me.

Repeated experience of light.

A peacock with feathers extended in glory

Weightless ease with the exception of my palms again

Mary seated glancing

Jesus standing beckoning

Two monsters appproach and then turn in fear. I only ____aware of their presence

[Patrick] Pye like images of abstract brightly lit colors swirling in harmony-a celestial dance.

This time it is Jesus who comes first…Long gentle images and of Mary leaning in.

And then I call him-Lord come to me, Lord Jesus come.

He bends down, beautiful, compassionate, sensual. He comes close to me, nearly touching leaning in and then merges into me

Once I see my face (my eyes) in his.

This is repeated several times.

My palms

Great peace

Monday, July 5

The Son first in the El Greco image, for the first time blessing-repeated. [I think that he’s referring to the El Greco that was on his funeral card].

Intense beauty-extraordinary color. Jewels swirling

45 minutes of deep silence barely breathing, little sense of heart beat-great tranquility

Light again and then images of Jesus on the cross-in great stillness and later in death

Then angry crowds, bestial, at the crucifixion eyes, red with hatred, savage ferocious, one man late middle aged expressing only fear, Peter

Then an image of Jesus recoiling from a blow- flicks of blood coming from his nose or mouth.

I gasped in amazement and pity

In the end, a bright light surrounded by moving clouds

Mary and Mary Magdalene grieving.

Mouth dry-realize I had not been swallowing

Tuesday July 6

My suffering, too, at least that suffering is taken up, relieved consummated

A new serenity, too, for me?

Standing, asking light great waves of warm yellow light Christ’s face

Great peace and repose

A bright image, shining, of Christ’ face on enamel-like background surrounded by light

At one point Christ alone at a table preparing to eat, I approach and he calls me to one of the empty chairs

Take and eat

Take and drink

You are mine

…

The demonic faces appear to replace His

I cast them out but they come back alternating

My palms ache

I sit after 35 minutes

Again, demons appear but recede. Calm. Palms again.

Wednesday July 7

Great peace

Prayed for illumination-a shower of warm yellow light opened

Violent images intruding, easily overcome

Standing 45 minutes

Very rich images, no distractions.

Christ’s face

In Mary’s forms

Enamel, in repose, surrounded by light

Recurring images of Mary, very young.

Once looking into the crib in wonder

Other times her face only

Once or more showing Christ to the World

Beautiful light, often with dappled clouds

A night sky rich with stars

Many recurring images of Christ

You are mine

Christ speaking but I cannot hear his words.

Stood 35 minutes

…

My face of a young man transposed with Christ; I with his beard. Then my face now in his

Much more compelling than the eyes earlier

Thursday July 8

Many images of Christ, most moving my head on his shoulder, he leaning down.

Several images of Mary holding me up to Him

Light, great peace

At the end a beautiful image of Christ leaning down to me in glory

Come to me

Much stillness; fewer images

Almost all of Christ

Later- an elderly Newman blessing with red cape and zuchetto. I asked his intercession to find my way

The last 55 minutes a series of distractions, odd images, heard to focus, most odd.

The last 5 minutes great peace, beautiful images first of Christ, very near and then glorious gold background to a srene Madonna and child.

30 minutes standing in prayer. Hard to settle. Many consolations well known and familiar

But also more aggressive distractions desolations again 2 kinds

1. Ferocious beasts, wolves, bats with sharp teeth___ and rushing; one standing back with a look of cunning malevolence. The eye. The Father of lies.

2. ________

Sense of struggle

Then a breakthrough: I holding a crown on high, light shining on the beast who crept back out of sight

Suddenly beautiful series of luminous visions

Holy Spirit in a background of blue (enamel?) and gold with rays of light of great brilliance

Then Mary, Fatima, it seemed in very bright white light, as her clothing coming above me

Finally the crucifixion, Jesus looking to the Father- again brilliant coloring, mainly purple and blue and then an opening to the bright yellow light above

Breathtaking beauty

After that great peace and gratitude

Friday Jul 9

Great joy

One hour

Jesus present in the most immediate way his face and body close to min, touching, merging.

His face always before me throughout

At one point my ribs pulled back to disclose my heart. He, before me, pointing with both hands to His Sacred Heart, glowing and moving into mine

A deep sense of presence, a great joy

Father, Spirit as well-intense light and peace

Very difficult to withdraw-slow___ into the world of senses

30 minutes standing, tired sat for 25 minutes without a sense of time

prayers of thanksgiving and praise

no distraction

great peace

Jesus very present

Calm, tranquil

20 minutes standing

distractions

a son of God

Therese to be raised in dignity surely

But a dignity not of rank but of love

Not an act of condescension on God’s part but an invitation to new life

and to a participation in divine life

love the key

A son’s relation to the Father ____ daughters complementarity

Confidence in each case

To have Christ as beloved brother showing the way to the Father

Has my own suffering of these last years been such a stripping of illusion, the cross accepted in preparation for new life?

…

Providence in these years?

Sunday, July 11

Harder to settle but Jesus came quickly

Many distractions

Christ leaning down to pull me up by my left hand

Tuesday July 13

Some distraction after a restless night

Dream of the uneasy lie in which ____ was kept in the tower

Worry about responsibilities

How to live in

Both worlds at once

Wednesday July 14

The privileging of my petty sufferings, my abandonment

In the face of the felt abandonment on the cross

The meanness, paltriness of it

The pride, the ego

The self-deceit

The extraordinary grace of this invitation/recognition

Friday July 16

Acknowledgement of astronishing fidelity

Knowing the grace of that fidelity over 37 years and not trivializing it

Penance tomorrow

Saturday, July 17

Sacrament of Penance

 Tonight I begin a 5^th hour of prayer at midnight

Sunday July 18

Again distracted------Lewis to focus not on what I am feeling but on what needs to be done. _____

Joseph- whose situation was humanly speaking impossible and whose fidelity incredible.

In an obscure region, in the most obscure and hidden locations for the central fact of human history to occur.

Wednesday July 21

The focus of the academic life ambition Notre Dame

Temptations unfocused hour partly surroundings, partly fatigue

Prayer for the grace to be used for service

Friday July 23

The call to love enemies/friends

Again the great sense of dependence

Again the great sense of dependence

Our lives not our own

Disponibilité [this was an important virtue for my father]

For the first time in town days- a sense of Christ’s presence culminating in the question Will you drink of the cup I offer?

Service

Monday July 26

Again the chalice. This time more beautiful than the last

A great sense of Christ’s presnece but many distractions throughout

The crucifixion

Christ again very present. Few distractions

In increasingly beautiful chalice once again offered-a cup of glory

Christ leaning down to kiss the side of my forehead-vividly realized

The conversion of my life

I have experienced my life over the last 37 years as one primarily of hard fidelity. Faithful in marriage to a woman I knew could never love me, never understand me as a man. This I knew within six months of my marriage. But this fidelity was not barren and it gave birth to our five children and our grand children. In addition, this fidelity characterized my relation to God, whose presence in my life and providence over it I have never doubted. In all of this I trusted that in being faithful to this good under construction of out marriage that my wife and I would eventually, in our shared faith and in our family, find some rest and consolation.

Her decision to leave the marriage _______________led me to an almost unendurable situation, one in which I could not speak freely even to my children and certainly not to many friends and colleagues who were seemingly absent. [I must say that my dad spoke freely with me, perhaps more than with the other children, and I found it very hard to hear. I am disappointed to see this about friends and colleagues- I'm not sure that this is anyone's fault and dad doesn't seem to lay blame on them here].

I suppose for some time I had experienced my life as a passive diminishment, an endurance of reality and suffering, a humiliation of the ego. And I assumed that on some level this was purgative, that God at least allowed it for some fundamental purpose.

My life, despite the remarkable grace of the work I was given and in large measure created in Catholic Studies, was experienced as something undergone, increasingly claustrophobic and isolated. Life was a converging set of experiences happening to me rather than a life lived. As a result I found it hard to apply moral categories to it since it so often seemed that sinful actions hardly deserved the high category but were rather undergone-passive diversion seeking some escape from the world of my inner isolation. I did not expect any renewal of hope in this life; my hope was solely in the next word.

When [Fr.] Jeff Huard pushed me to the Spiritual Exercises, he argued that it was essential that I come to realize God’s love for me in and through the suffering of these years, that God loved me in the fidelity of my marriage and my work and that I should find release in the joy and hope of that love. That I was too stoical in enduing and suffering, a suffering not willed by God.

            And I immediately saw the opportunity as providential although I remained skeptical about what little I knew about the retreat. The first preparatory days left me ambivalent.

            But contemplative prayer came easily and I found myself very fortunate in my spiritual direction. On the evening of the second day, the feast of St. Thomas, I had what I can only call an extraordinary experience, direct and immediate of God’s presence; first the Spirit and then Jesus illuminating my life, disclosing God’s love for me with a power and clarity I could not imagine. I lay prostrate before it. It can only be compared to Pascal’s night of fire for me. Nothing can ever be the same. I feel the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in my life and Christ’s presence active within me.

            In the following week that experience has continued to deepen, opening me to a new life, one defined by God’s love really experienced which has opened me to hope and to freedom. Life no longer strikes me as passive diminishment but rather active engagement in living out this new relationship with God.

            A great weight has been lifted and I feel a remarkable joy in the freedom of this new sense of my life lived out of this relationship with Christ who is no longer merely the object of my formal prayer but the ground of my being.

            I find growing a great confidence and the courage to confront life in terms of duties to be pursued rather than events to endure. I sought rest in coming here, the recovery of a certain ease of life and joy in the pattern of living it. That have found and I can now imagine ways to live this out in real freedom. I now look forward, not backward with gratitude. The gratitude hasn’t changed but the orientation and effects have. Whatever life remains is a___ for action, for joy, for live in ways I hadn’t conceived.

            I suspect that one of many reasons I thought priesthood essential was that it seemed that only a radically new life, a complete abandoning of the old and loss of the old identity, could free me from the claustrophobia of my life. And now I find a restoration, a renewal of the old life in the experience of God’s love which has released me from bondage. To put on Christ, to be the new man, set free. This is what I have been given-a source of wonder and awe and most profoundly of immense gratitude of what the Lord has done for me.

            The sense that this fidelity was wasted, that the failure to hold the marriage was a failure deserving suffering has been transformed. Still, I see these years of suffering as a preparation for the gospel of truth and love, as a soil waiting to be nourished by the outpouring of God’s love and mercy.

            I now need to structure my life in new ways around this great disclosure. One need will be meditation each morning and evening tied to lectio divina. In addition, I’ll ask Jeff to be my spiritual director and I will plan an annual retreat to renew and refresh this new life opening in and for me.

Tuesday July 27

Again consoling images of Christ throughout despite distractions

The Passion of Luke

Again Christ’s presence

But clearly the enemy contends against this new life

I pray for Christ’s triumph in rooting out any part of my heart that resists his presence and blocks my full adoption as his disciple

Christ ever present and very few distractions. Great confidence that I can live with courage and overcome this relentless sense of drifting through my life

Saturday

We are God’s work of art